Adventures in the Deep

Trying to breathe without my lungs, trying to live without blood... it's hard. It's only one day, one day without him, without our connection, and I feel like my heart is withering away. I feel like I'm underwater and I'm perfectly human. If I breathe in, the void will be filled with something different, something that's not supposed to be there. All she is doing is chattering about her love, her child. My child is gone, my love is away, he can't even keep our connection because of his guilt.. I can't help but be angry, I want her to shut up. And I can't say I've never felt that before. I just feel awful and hollow and the last thing I want to hear about is how happy and mushy she is with them. My baby is gone. I miss her. I'm starving. I can't even work on the missions, I can't make progress to see her sooner, to see him. I am so lonely. It's only a day, but it's a bad one. Tomorrow I may be alive, I am sure I will be Sunday. But right now I am suffering, and I want someone to comfort me, because nothing else is helping. Listen to me, damn it. I'm quiet but I'm screaming. Listen. 

I feel lost, strange in my own skin. I'm not used to that. Everything feels dry and rough, maybe hard, when I'm so used to fluid. Mermaids were never meant for dry land, even if they're half-human. I want to go back.

 To be honest, I can't tell her how much I miss him. I can't tell her how much I miss her love, my family, how I break into little sobs when I think of him. I miss him so much. I've never lost someone in this life, not human, not family, not like this. When I lose people, they break off and slowly drift away. He's gone, gone altogether and sometimes I feel I can't take it, knowing he's gone and that she bleeds everyday and I can't help her. I can't save her. She wants to die. It's why I pray to Loki, it's why I beg him to take care of her for me because I can't be there to touch her and hug her and hold her myself. I can't heal her or save her. And knowing, that I am just one person, that I'm one stupid, feeble, mortal human in this human body who can only do so much, that can't save just one person.... it hurts. I hate knowing that she hurts, it's even worse knowing she has her walls up and that she hides from him and me and the only one she opened up to so easily was him. I miss him, I miss him so much and for the first time I am shedding more than a few tears. He's been gone for one month and one day, and he has to be gone for the rest of her life and I hatehatehate that. I wish I could change that. Sometimes I wish I could die, and bring him here for her. I wish I didn't have a purpose here, so I could do that and she could have her happily ever after. But the dice hasn't fallen, the right cards are not in play. She, I must wait.

I never thought Death would be my friend, until now.

 A part of my heart breaks knowing my little family is going to be broken up. That he is leaving, that as much as I may try to comfort her, to hold her, to kiss her, that I will never replace him, I will never fill that void in her heart that will be there until the day she dies, until I lose them both. I don't want him to go, I've never lost someone I loved like him. I love my family, but not even J can cure this pain. This, is my true family; not one of blood, but one I found, all on my own. I know that, in the end, no one will be left behind, or forgotten.. but that doesn't mean I won't bleed. I need to be strong, for her, for even today is not a happy day for us. In two days, I will enter her life in full, and he will leave the same.

She already seems so happy I am coming, but I wonder if she really is. I doubt it. Her love for me cannot fill that void, it can dull the wound, take some of the pain, but even my arrangement is temporary... when I leave, I am afraid of her crashing. Afraid of it so much. How am I supposed to keep someone from drowning, when they've done it so many times before, but never this deep?

 Sometimes, I want to pour stuff -emotional stuff- onto my tumblr. But, then I realize; over 800 people can see that, if not more. My posts, are public. People know me there, I may even have a reputation. The whole world doesn't need to know I feel like shit. At least on here, there's only a handful of people, people who may or may not read this, and their reading it won't affect me. I just want to be able to bleed on the place that I call home.. and dreamwidth isn't it. Dreamwidth is a sanctuary, but not a home. 

I know I could post something on a private tumblr, but I don't want to. I already have 3 and am a part of a network, I really don't want one more. I don't even need to vent that often, and when I do I am more often than not okay with coming on here. 

 It is starting to become more and more accurate, my taking the title of Ophelia. I'm so full of water, that when winter comes, parts of me become cold and freeze, and try to make it so hard for me to live.

It kills me to admit that I don't want to be alive right now. Ironic, I know, especially when I have so much to live for. I thought I could work through this, but it feels as if it were totally new, and I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to save myself from my own frost.

 Oh dreamwidth, I have so much to vomit to you, brace yourself.

My mom and I have been having some really unpleasant talks lately. We don't really argue [when we do it's a clash of the titans], but more debate and unknowingly insult the other. Last time, she called me lazy, arrogant, and neglectful. A lot of it was out of line, some of it was not. It gave me more of an insight into her mind however, and put some things into perspective. It was a mangled form of communication, but it was actual communication, and by God I am not used to that. At one point I expressed that I have a knack of running away, of avoiding situations that make me uncomfortable, and that's my way of coping. I was anxious and knew I wouldn't do well waking up early tomorrow, especially since I didn't expect to be doing something that requires me to do that. I'd be an anxious wreck in the morning. And she said to me, "I'm sad that you feel that way. That you have to hide." I look at her with what I can only assume was horror or fear. And I let it slip. "There is so much that you don't know." But only that. I wanted to let it all flood out, how I have wanted to hide from things for months, that I have been running and running from fear and pain and anger and sadness for years. I wanted to tell her how I can't look at certain songs the same way, how I have pleaded through tears to just die on holidays, right in front of her. I wanted to tell her how she pushed me into seeing that boy, and how he changed something in me forever. I wanted to tell her of how I've contemplated suicide more weeks than not in my time as an adolescent. I have been full of so much pain, when I feel like I haven't gone through shit. I have never been beaten or raped, nor has any of my friends ever flat out said and confirmed my fears of being a burden or finding me annoying. I am not strong, by any means. I'm absurdly sensitive and good at enduring, but even then I ooze and leak in different ways. I run away.

In other more pleasant news, E and I have progressed in ways, changed. Frankly, she wants to have sex with me. She admitted it, and well.. that want is reciprocated. We've been flirting and flustering each other, and it's so.. well.. fun. I've never had this with a girl, and I never had this kind of relationship with someone, where I am close to them as friends, but I don't love them romantically. I've fallen in love with several of my best friends, but I'm not in love with her. I worry about having some level of a crush on her, but I'm thinking, hoping, I'll be okay. She may want me, but I'm not stupid. At the end of the day she will love a man, prefer a man over a woman. And that's okay, because I don't think I could bear her storm as a lover. I worry that I've been neglecting J though. I feel like he and I have hit a point, a crossroad, I feel like he still cares but I don't care enough, either that or I'm too afraid to let myself care more. I hope it's the latter. I feel like we have such potential, but that I need him, and that I use him, and that's not okay.. he doesn't deserve that. I don't know if he is around as much as he is normally and I'm tuning him out, or if he's actually out and about around here less. I guess I'm just worried about us. He always has had a mixed bag of feelings about lesbians and In ever knew why, but I hope it's not because of something bad that's going to happen between E and I, something that he knows. I don't think so, but trying to get him to verbally answer something is like pulling teeth. v-v; 

I wish I could get readings for all this, but I feel like it won't bring me much, that I have to look into myself for the answers. That, or let time do its thing.