I don't like it when people in our own community dismiss their beliefs and experiences as "probably in my head". I'm just already insecure and skeptical as hell about my stuff as it is, and hearing one of our own -and not a dummy for that matter- say that just makes me anxious. I don't like thinking it's all in my head, because that makes me sound fucking nuts and dismissable, as if I have imaginary friends.. but non-corporeal entities are not imaginary friends to me. I cannot control what they say, I cannot tweak it. I remember when J first exposed his feelings to me, I was terrified. I didn't want anything to do with them, because I already knew I'd like him a lot and I didn't want to be one of those godspousey sort of people, with their always aching hearts. I didn't want the pain of being with someone I couldn't introduce to my friends and family; admittedly a small part of me liked the idea of a "speshul romance" but in the long run, I know myself, and it wasn't what I wanted.. but then I gave in. It was wrong to keep stringing him along, not giving him a straight answer about wanting to be with him, but something with us clicked, something that both scared me and gave me a kind of peace nothing else in this life has. I couldn't give that up, not without a fight. I knew I'd have to change some things [I really didn't want to], but I'd make it work.. and I have. In many ways he is perfect to me, and I didn't expect him to have those traits, at all.. and to say, that that's just all in my head, makes it sound like wish fulfillment manifested. I hate that.
A big thing that gives me faith is that E's non-corporeal beau is bi-lingual. He fluently knows and speaks a language that she never had even heard in this life. She legitimately did not understand what he said, in that language [until she began to learn that is]. He is everything she ever wanted as well, and she was almost as skeptical as myself when they found each other. And, she's had experiences with J. My personal gnosis[es?] match almost everyone else's I talk to, but even those that don't totally still fit his character, they still make sense... so unless we've all got the same variation of the cuckoo disease, I have faith. And I never want to hear of one of our own saying what that person did, ever again.
I've been left to wonder, what my heritage is over on the other side. Do I have spiritual parents? I don't think I'm human souled, considering my forms over there. One thought I've been entertaining is being a child of Tiamat. I've always liked her, always "clicked" with her, but I need to do some solid scoobying before I entertain it further. I don't think that Mother is my actual mother, unless I had one helluva funky sire. God forbid J was my parent, yick.. preeetty sure that's not the case though.
E has been questioning her own, and this is what has led me to mine. My theory's that she's demon-kin, although she appears human over there.. maybe she really is human souled. Just strange. She's so wild on the inside, not like me. On the inside I'm pretty composed, I'm cool and coiled and wet and shades of blue, whereas she's just.. wild.
Meh. I'll figure things out. Just gotta find someone, an unbiased party, to give me a pendulum reading. Theeen I can do some real scoobying. I feel like once I figure out who my parents are -if I have any- I'll only unravel the mystery of who I really am further.
For who they are, we got Nine of Pentacles. I don't know much about card interpreting really -as I am not a tarot card reader- but I'm told that this card means contentment, wealth, abundance, and can pertain to sensual pleasure. So, I'm left to believe they are a fertility goddess.
For their personality traits/qualities, we got Reverse Nine of Pentacles and Eight of Wands. The first card's meant to represent a negative trait, the second positive. Funny enough, the first one was the only reversed one we got. My friend didn't have much to say on the first card, except that it meant the god was depressed, run down. For the Eight of Wands, it mentions swiftness, progress towards my goals, and a whirlwind romance... which I have NO idea on how to feel. I mean, I'm happy with J.. but admittedly I've been feeling kind of well, lesbianic. I dare not say anything to him -as I do enjoy our amorous activities- but I've been leaning more towards human women rather than men as of late. I don't know if I'd want to be romantically involved with two gods, especially if I work with one of them on a business level. That just seems so.. fluffy. Not to mention, I really enjoy him. He makes me feel whole. I don't know if I'm cut out for polyamory, it's already something that bugs me, thinking about how I will probably want to take a human mate or dally with humans while being with him. He's my forever, in the end, I don't know if I could give my heart to two gods. It's daunting. I hope it's just a misinterpretation, my friend giving the general details of what the card means, and that that whole bag of cats is something I won't have to worry about.
The fourth card refers to what they rule or have power over, and that card was the Five of Wands. I literally have no fucking idea what this means, my friend just gave me a message, confirming what I already knew, that these and what trivial times that lay ahead have significance, that they prepare me for what is coming further down the road.
For the last card, the Queen of Cups, it tells what the deity is associated with. We get motherly, maternal, but sensual at the same time, possibly linked with creativity, psychic ability, the unknown. I feel this card -along with the first- are the most relevant. More readings need to be done in order to discover further details on her identity. I hope I can find her soon. Then, I'll have 3 gods to work with. Wouldn't that be swell [no sarcasm intended]?
I have been interested in Aphrodite and Lilith, but I know this isn't Lilith and it doesn't seem like Aphrodite. I'm left to wonder if they are from a culture I'm not as familiar with, perhaps Welsh or Kemetic. God forbid they're from a closed culture; tumblr will have my ass if it's so. I try not to feel guilty, but if an entity from a supposedly closed culture approaches me and wants to work with me, I'm not going to say no solely because of the culture they're from. [I say supposed because I get really confused in a religious context as to which cultures are "okay" to worship from and which aren't, I need to do more research.]
In other news, I hate when people get offended by the dumbest things. I'm not referring to cultural appropriation or anything like that, this is completely different. But I'm talking to this gal who just got completely butthurt over her comment being ignored when someone was asking for advice.. and it just.. *facepalm* the person asking for advice didn't MEAN to ignore her, it's really obvious, and they apologized when this girl got upset, but now she's making a big deal over it because I said that her reaction was rude, and then she deleted her comments like a goddamned scumbag. I screen shotted it, just in case the admin of the group questions what's going on and the girl gets her panties in a bunch again. I mean, I really found it rude, she was making this person feel bad and they're really sweet, and goddamnit no one cares that you're in medical school, if you act like an actual middle schooler. Don't say you're professional, and then act the opposite. Besides, you could be going to school for fucking podiatry, doesn't mean you're going to know much about this person's specific issue... jesus fucking christ people are stupid. And rude. I slowly begin to understand the sentiment of just blowing up shit and taking out stupidheads. I never actually would, but with age I'm beginning to understand the villains of stories more and more, and that makes me sad. I like believing that there's good, that there are kind, intelligent people that brim with the thing that gives us all hope. They're still out there, I know that. It's just so easy to get caught up in negativity, so so easy. It's one of humanity's biggest weaknesses, I think, how easily we absorb negativity, how hard it is for us to let go of, and how some of us fall in love with it and become melancholy. That's why I've got to rise above that, to be strong, to be one of those people that delivers hope and makes people think and smile.