Adventures in the Deep

 I feel like I have fallen into hell and I don't know how to be anymore. I don't know how to be me, because I don't know who I am. This isn't normal. Girls don't look at their genitals and feel disgusted, not like this. They can not like the way it looks but they aren't upset by them like this. I shouldn't be so grossed out at the idea of having a vagina, having this pudgy stuff. If I saw it on another girl I'd probably think it was cute. But I don't know if I'm a girl anymore. I don't think I am. But I don't know if I am a boy either... yet... I'm so scared that if I did something to change to my gender, to make permanent changes, that I wouldn't be happy. That I'd miss having a hole, that I'd miss breasts. But as of late I don't think that's the case. And that scares me so bad. I don't want to be this. I can't even bring myself to type the word. It doesn't make sense. I take the tests and all the good ones say I'm still a girl, that my brain is female. I mean, I get I'm literate, that I'm not really good with my hands, but am I really a girl? I don't know anymore. It won't make sense to my family, it won't make sense to my peers. Yet there's things I don't think I want to give up. I don't want to give up my singing voice, my silly voice, my curves. I like some of them. I don't want facial hair, I don't want worse acne, I don't want any of that. I don't even know how I feel about a bigger clit. Although the idea is starting to sound better and better as of late.. I just don't know if I want a trans man's genitals, but I am bonding with my strap on more. I feel more comfortable with it. Phantom sensations are coming easier.

I don't know if I like who I am, if it's not who I think I am. I feel so lost in my own world. And the only person who can help me figure it out, is me. In the long run anyways. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You can even salt the oats, but you can only do so much, you know? I feel like Spirit and a few others are trying to tell me this is what I am, but I'm not sure. I know Spirit is. I don't think it matters to Jor, except with the emotional distress it's causing. I just don't want to be this. It's bad enough thinking I'm genderfluid but this? This is a special form of hell. I can't be a mermaid and a man. I can't be a dress lover and a man, I can't be someone who wears skirts. I can't expect to be taken seriously by this world. I feel like I'm damned to be a freak. Polytheist, bisexual, and possibly that. I sound like I'm trying to be special but I'm not goddamnit. I just don't want to live this. 

 So it looks like I have another baby on the way. I don't know what to do. I can't help but feel like this is some sort of sick punishment for having vanilla sex. Seriously, this is how we conceived Penelope, was vanilla sex, and me falling asleep while travelling. Same damn thing. I haven't told J yet. I have already had two readings done and asked Mother and Spirit if I'm knocked up and they said yes so it appears to be canon. It's ironic because it was only a couple of days ago, either then or a week I was talking with E and she joked about us being pregnant at the same time. Well, she got her wish. If my reading is correct I am going to end up with another little girl.

Instead of making things on my own I think I am going to ask J if I can move in with him. Then we can work on things together. I'll have to split myself again obviously. It's just not safe for me to be on my own with a baby. With Penny in the labyrinth with E and her grandpa, she's safe. But.. I don't have another choice. I can't move in with them, the area's too small for me. I'm a hunter, I need space or I'll get cramped. Wherever J is, I am sure it is safe. I just don't think I have the time and energy to be modifying my house, not in the middle of school. I feel like I am capable of it, but won't be able to live up to my standards of motherhood. I already feel bad I didn't spoil Penny the way E does; with E she has her own ocean-room and greenhouse and interacts with other people. With me... well, she was raised a pretty mortal childhood. You know, except for the times I spazzed and shifted or there was any sort of danger. Then I scared her.

If I'm being honest with myself, I want this baby. I wanted another one. E's on her third one, and I feel cheated out of motherhood with Penny being gone for so long. I think another child could be good for me. But how will J take it? Will it be good for us? What's good for the goose isn't always good for the gander. I hope he isn't busy. He doesn't seem that bad, we've been able to meet up 2-3 times a week, certainly more than in the beginning of our relationship.  But how will he take it knowing he impregnated me accidentally again.... that could be bruising to the ego of a god. Sigh. Not like he has much ego to work with anyways.

I just hope it all works out for the better. Keep me in your prayers guys. I'm gonna need them.

Trying to breathe without my lungs, trying to live without blood... it's hard. It's only one day, one day without him, without our connection, and I feel like my heart is withering away. I feel like I'm underwater and I'm perfectly human. If I breathe in, the void will be filled with something different, something that's not supposed to be there. All she is doing is chattering about her love, her child. My child is gone, my love is away, he can't even keep our connection because of his guilt.. I can't help but be angry, I want her to shut up. And I can't say I've never felt that before. I just feel awful and hollow and the last thing I want to hear about is how happy and mushy she is with them. My baby is gone. I miss her. I'm starving. I can't even work on the missions, I can't make progress to see her sooner, to see him. I am so lonely. It's only a day, but it's a bad one. Tomorrow I may be alive, I am sure I will be Sunday. But right now I am suffering, and I want someone to comfort me, because nothing else is helping. Listen to me, damn it. I'm quiet but I'm screaming. Listen. 

I feel lost, strange in my own skin. I'm not used to that. Everything feels dry and rough, maybe hard, when I'm so used to fluid. Mermaids were never meant for dry land, even if they're half-human. I want to go back.

 Exhausted. That's a good word to describe me as of late.

Penelope is growing faster, much to my dismay. She walked for the first time today, not that I saw. Her grandfather ended up telling me [how he knew I know not, assuming he told the truth] and that just makes me feel swell. Having a child Over There is goddamned heartbreaking. At least it feels like it for me. I can't hold her, I can't spend enough time with her, I don't even know if I see her right, compared to everyone else. I sometimes wonder if I should have kept her, I feel like I have no business being a mother.

Heavy woo has been swooping in, dental school is brutal. My entity parents are coming into my life, and I don't know how or why, nor how to deal with it. I'm not spending nearly enough time with J, my 3 day weekends feel like half the time, and I had a breakdown today. My birthday is Saturday, I will turn 20. I won't be a child, a teen anymore by a numerical standard. It feels symbolic with all of the shit being thrown at me. Things aren't all bad though. Things with E are well. I formalized my relationship with Loki [a bittersweet thing], I reconciled with someone whom I now consider friend again.

I had said on this blog repeatedly, that harder times were coming, that I needed to cherish my rest. I didn't cherish it enough. The rough times -along with my rebirth- are coming. Sigh.

 I miss him. This sucks so much. It has been barely 2 days and I feel like I'm going to wither away. I just can't get enough of him, I kiss him and kiss him and kiss him and wrap our energies together like serpents intertwined but it isn't enough. And I don't think it ever will be.  That's what I get for admitting I was in love with him. That I have been all along.

 Welp, it looks like J and Father will never get along. Ever. That's really fun. And even more fun is I'm like 80% sure he's Native American and if I ever want to be open people are going to be like "CULTURAL APPROPRIATIONZZ!1!"

Woo. Father's going to be funfun. E doesn't seem to like him, J is afraid of him, and I am probably going to have to keep him secret. But.. if he's my father, he'll probably be worth it. I already resonate with a part of him, sense some of me that mirrors him. Sigh.

 youtube.com/watch

Her lullaby, as far as I'm concerned. Annabelle's Wish is very her, from what I can tell.

 I cleansed the body of the fetch, and made her another outfit and toy Over There. It's all I had energy to do. I'm exhausted. I really hope I'm not a bad mother. She deserves nothing but the best.

 You know, I thought that maybe the baby would have to be bottle fed, not its mother. Damn me and my blood cravings, I'm a true blue Bella Fucking Swan over here. Good thing J brought me those mason jars..

I think the baby is a girl. We haven't decided on names, but we're leaning more towards french ones like Nicole and Charlotte, since that is what he likes and I think they're pretty too. I was contemplating Aislinn, but I think the baby's fetch may be named that instead.

I don't want to sound too Twilightey, but I can feel the baby's personality already, its aura. It's lilac and twilight-oceany blue, it sparkles and is terribly intelligent. She's gonna be an Aquarius after all, it doesn't help J and I are such hardcore thinkers as it is. She's going to be the most inquisitive little squirt there is. o.o

When I went Over There today, I looked a good 5 months pregnant. I hope the baby can wait a good 3-4 days, I want to be able make the fetch before I give birth.