Adventures in the Deep

Means I have to get better. But I really don't want to drink that airborne stuff... I used to hate the taste of it so much I'd gag and come close to puking. Fortunately they seem to have made it taste better, or so Mom says. I had some earlier and it was tolerable, esp when compared to the old stuff. Makes me think of my fucking father. He would make me sit there, and drink all of it. Even if I sat there for hours, or begged him beforehand not to make me. I preferred being sick over drinking it, but he made me and my stomach would be so upset afterwards. Ugh. He really was a dick.

I'm hoping I get better enough to see Avenue Q on Saturday, my friend Scott invited me. And my friend Axel wants to hang out on Sunday, and we legitimately haven't hung out at my place in about a year. I mean real hang out. We used to make brownies and watch Disney movies and cuddle some. It was therapeutic for us both. Energy wise he and I compliment each other, I feel like we had some history in a past life. My relationship with him is unlike any of my other friends, it's an almost animal like loyalty and love I feel for him. I've even laid on his bed like a dog and laid my head in his lap. He just accepts it. xD He's a chill guy, is all. He's really accepting of my beliefs too. We hung out during the family halloween party and I was able to talk hardcore woo to him and have it be taken seriously. It made me so happy. He's an atheist, but he finds my stance on things and the universe pretty solid and interesting. He supported me during the times of the leech, gave me the pep talk I needed to stand on my own and get rid of it. He's just a really good friend and I love him a lot. I hope I can get better before Sunday. Our chat at the party strengthened and reinforced our bond, and I feel like having that kind of day would only steady things further [not that we're unstable or anything, he just has a life and gets caught up in it, working and being in school and having moved and all].

 You know, I'd love the safety of carrying a pocketknife on me, but I don't trust myself with one. I really don't.

I remember the one time I said this, a boy joked "Why? Cuz you're worried about killing idiots?"

And all I could do was sit there silently and try not to cry. 

It has nothing to do with killing idiots. It has to do with killing me.

 It is starting to become more and more accurate, my taking the title of Ophelia. I'm so full of water, that when winter comes, parts of me become cold and freeze, and try to make it so hard for me to live.

It kills me to admit that I don't want to be alive right now. Ironic, I know, especially when I have so much to live for. I thought I could work through this, but it feels as if it were totally new, and I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to save myself from my own frost.

 Ya know, I really love that time of the night where I casually contemplate suicide. It's great, just real great. This is why you get sleep, Emma.

Sleep is important, and you haven't been sleeping well at as of late. It's an uncomfortable kind of thing too, not enough to make a fuss over, but not small enough to say I'm 100% okay. Ugh.

 Oh dreamwidth, I have so much to vomit to you, brace yourself.

My mom and I have been having some really unpleasant talks lately. We don't really argue [when we do it's a clash of the titans], but more debate and unknowingly insult the other. Last time, she called me lazy, arrogant, and neglectful. A lot of it was out of line, some of it was not. It gave me more of an insight into her mind however, and put some things into perspective. It was a mangled form of communication, but it was actual communication, and by God I am not used to that. At one point I expressed that I have a knack of running away, of avoiding situations that make me uncomfortable, and that's my way of coping. I was anxious and knew I wouldn't do well waking up early tomorrow, especially since I didn't expect to be doing something that requires me to do that. I'd be an anxious wreck in the morning. And she said to me, "I'm sad that you feel that way. That you have to hide." I look at her with what I can only assume was horror or fear. And I let it slip. "There is so much that you don't know." But only that. I wanted to let it all flood out, how I have wanted to hide from things for months, that I have been running and running from fear and pain and anger and sadness for years. I wanted to tell her how I can't look at certain songs the same way, how I have pleaded through tears to just die on holidays, right in front of her. I wanted to tell her how she pushed me into seeing that boy, and how he changed something in me forever. I wanted to tell her of how I've contemplated suicide more weeks than not in my time as an adolescent. I have been full of so much pain, when I feel like I haven't gone through shit. I have never been beaten or raped, nor has any of my friends ever flat out said and confirmed my fears of being a burden or finding me annoying. I am not strong, by any means. I'm absurdly sensitive and good at enduring, but even then I ooze and leak in different ways. I run away.

In other more pleasant news, E and I have progressed in ways, changed. Frankly, she wants to have sex with me. She admitted it, and well.. that want is reciprocated. We've been flirting and flustering each other, and it's so.. well.. fun. I've never had this with a girl, and I never had this kind of relationship with someone, where I am close to them as friends, but I don't love them romantically. I've fallen in love with several of my best friends, but I'm not in love with her. I worry about having some level of a crush on her, but I'm thinking, hoping, I'll be okay. She may want me, but I'm not stupid. At the end of the day she will love a man, prefer a man over a woman. And that's okay, because I don't think I could bear her storm as a lover. I worry that I've been neglecting J though. I feel like he and I have hit a point, a crossroad, I feel like he still cares but I don't care enough, either that or I'm too afraid to let myself care more. I hope it's the latter. I feel like we have such potential, but that I need him, and that I use him, and that's not okay.. he doesn't deserve that. I don't know if he is around as much as he is normally and I'm tuning him out, or if he's actually out and about around here less. I guess I'm just worried about us. He always has had a mixed bag of feelings about lesbians and In ever knew why, but I hope it's not because of something bad that's going to happen between E and I, something that he knows. I don't think so, but trying to get him to verbally answer something is like pulling teeth. v-v; 

I wish I could get readings for all this, but I feel like it won't bring me much, that I have to look into myself for the answers. That, or let time do its thing.