lemon aid.

Nov. 7th, 2013 11:25 pm
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)
 I'm pretty sure I'm sick. That's just great, real great.

Means I have to get better. But I really don't want to drink that airborne stuff... I used to hate the taste of it so much I'd gag and come close to puking. Fortunately they seem to have made it taste better, or so Mom says. I had some earlier and it was tolerable, esp when compared to the old stuff. Makes me think of my fucking father. He would make me sit there, and drink all of it. Even if I sat there for hours, or begged him beforehand not to make me. I preferred being sick over drinking it, but he made me and my stomach would be so upset afterwards. Ugh. He really was a dick.

I'm hoping I get better enough to see Avenue Q on Saturday, my friend Scott invited me. And my friend Axel wants to hang out on Sunday, and we legitimately haven't hung out at my place in about a year. I mean real hang out. We used to make brownies and watch Disney movies and cuddle some. It was therapeutic for us both. Energy wise he and I compliment each other, I feel like we had some history in a past life. My relationship with him is unlike any of my other friends, it's an almost animal like loyalty and love I feel for him. I've even laid on his bed like a dog and laid my head in his lap. He just accepts it. xD He's a chill guy, is all. He's really accepting of my beliefs too. We hung out during the family halloween party and I was able to talk hardcore woo to him and have it be taken seriously. It made me so happy. He's an atheist, but he finds my stance on things and the universe pretty solid and interesting. He supported me during the times of the leech, gave me the pep talk I needed to stand on my own and get rid of it. He's just a really good friend and I love him a lot. I hope I can get better before Sunday. Our chat at the party strengthened and reinforced our bond, and I feel like having that kind of day would only steady things further [not that we're unstable or anything, he just has a life and gets caught up in it, working and being in school and having moved and all].

aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)
 Let's play the "how long can Emma go without eating before passing out or actually eating" game. Wheee. .-. At least I had a banana today, I didn't eat at all 'til dinner yesterday. I haven't told E, otherwise she'd whoop my ass. She's been distracted, I feel like there are things she isn't telling me.. but then again, there are things I'm not telling her. She knows she can tell me, at least. She's admitted it, just that she feels like talking about it won't help. I hope she's telling the truth when she says that. I mean, I'm telling the truth for the most part. She knows I've been having a rough time lately, esp at night. She just doesn't know what that entails. x.x


Nov. 6th, 2013 12:04 am
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)

 You know, I'd love the safety of carrying a pocketknife on me, but I don't trust myself with one. I really don't.

I remember the one time I said this, a boy joked "Why? Cuz you're worried about killing idiots?"

And all I could do was sit there silently and try not to cry. 

It has nothing to do with killing idiots. It has to do with killing me.

aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)
 I took my pills for the first time in months, and I can't help but be so fucking disappointed in myself. I thought I was better than this, I thought I could work through things without them. But, I need to be there for her. And I can't do that if I'm a fucking mess.. so down the hatch it goes.


Nov. 5th, 2013 10:14 pm
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)

 It is starting to become more and more accurate, my taking the title of Ophelia. I'm so full of water, that when winter comes, parts of me become cold and freeze, and try to make it so hard for me to live.

It kills me to admit that I don't want to be alive right now. Ironic, I know, especially when I have so much to live for. I thought I could work through this, but it feels as if it were totally new, and I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to save myself from my own frost.


Nov. 4th, 2013 12:45 am
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)
Understanding boyfriends are awesome, as are girl friends with benefits. I am so blessed, and glad I am able to see my blessings as clearly as I do now.


Nov. 3rd, 2013 12:31 am
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)

 Ya know, I really love that time of the night where I casually contemplate suicide. It's great, just real great. This is why you get sleep, Emma.

Sleep is important, and you haven't been sleeping well at as of late. It's an uncomfortable kind of thing too, not enough to make a fuss over, but not small enough to say I'm 100% okay. Ugh.

aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)

 So I got to meet up with a real witch for the first time, on Halloween night. It was so... refreshing. The only person I verbally talk to about this stuff in full is E, but even then that's via skype and phone. Being able to talk to someone verbally, someone that wasn't her, that was really nice. I have very  supportive friends who believe in me wholeheartedly [even the "woo" stuff], but I always have that nagging paranoia that they don't believe me, or they're judging me in the back of my mind. I don't have that, with other witches.

They have a tumblr like me, and they happen to live locally, which is an even bigger perk. I mean, I met with an internet friend for the first time, how awesome is that?

I brought them sweets left over from the family Halloween party, they gave me a seashell bracelet consecrated with sea water. I certainly didn't expect that of them, it was very sweet. We walked around the mall -dressed like goons, I the witch, they as god knows what- and talked about things. We talked about our gods and our not so traditional love lives, we talked about puppies and kittens and how no one should ever really grow out of wearing absurd socks. It was only a few hours, but so much information was exchanged it felt much longer. It was very saturated, as I put it earlier. 

They had the prettiest hair, like a true mermaid. It was turquoise and lilac and just so lovely, naturally curly. But it was not very soft. It felt like a wig. I worry about that with my hair. I have every intention to dye it a dark red, eventually a chestnut brown too.. but it's so soooft, and I don't want to lose that. But, I wanna really dye my hair.. not just henna. I guess we will see how it takes to the dye when I visit E. I bet she knows about good hair dyes.

aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)

 Oh dreamwidth, I have so much to vomit to you, brace yourself.

My mom and I have been having some really unpleasant talks lately. We don't really argue [when we do it's a clash of the titans], but more debate and unknowingly insult the other. Last time, she called me lazy, arrogant, and neglectful. A lot of it was out of line, some of it was not. It gave me more of an insight into her mind however, and put some things into perspective. It was a mangled form of communication, but it was actual communication, and by God I am not used to that. At one point I expressed that I have a knack of running away, of avoiding situations that make me uncomfortable, and that's my way of coping. I was anxious and knew I wouldn't do well waking up early tomorrow, especially since I didn't expect to be doing something that requires me to do that. I'd be an anxious wreck in the morning. And she said to me, "I'm sad that you feel that way. That you have to hide." I look at her with what I can only assume was horror or fear. And I let it slip. "There is so much that you don't know." But only that. I wanted to let it all flood out, how I have wanted to hide from things for months, that I have been running and running from fear and pain and anger and sadness for years. I wanted to tell her how I can't look at certain songs the same way, how I have pleaded through tears to just die on holidays, right in front of her. I wanted to tell her how she pushed me into seeing that boy, and how he changed something in me forever. I wanted to tell her of how I've contemplated suicide more weeks than not in my time as an adolescent. I have been full of so much pain, when I feel like I haven't gone through shit. I have never been beaten or raped, nor has any of my friends ever flat out said and confirmed my fears of being a burden or finding me annoying. I am not strong, by any means. I'm absurdly sensitive and good at enduring, but even then I ooze and leak in different ways. I run away.

In other more pleasant news, E and I have progressed in ways, changed. Frankly, she wants to have sex with me. She admitted it, and well.. that want is reciprocated. We've been flirting and flustering each other, and it's so.. well.. fun. I've never had this with a girl, and I never had this kind of relationship with someone, where I am close to them as friends, but I don't love them romantically. I've fallen in love with several of my best friends, but I'm not in love with her. I worry about having some level of a crush on her, but I'm thinking, hoping, I'll be okay. She may want me, but I'm not stupid. At the end of the day she will love a man, prefer a man over a woman. And that's okay, because I don't think I could bear her storm as a lover. I worry that I've been neglecting J though. I feel like he and I have hit a point, a crossroad, I feel like he still cares but I don't care enough, either that or I'm too afraid to let myself care more. I hope it's the latter. I feel like we have such potential, but that I need him, and that I use him, and that's not okay.. he doesn't deserve that. I don't know if he is around as much as he is normally and I'm tuning him out, or if he's actually out and about around here less. I guess I'm just worried about us. He always has had a mixed bag of feelings about lesbians and In ever knew why, but I hope it's not because of something bad that's going to happen between E and I, something that he knows. I don't think so, but trying to get him to verbally answer something is like pulling teeth. v-v; 

I wish I could get readings for all this, but I feel like it won't bring me much, that I have to look into myself for the answers. That, or let time do its thing.


NSFW Sep. 18th, 2013 11:57 pm
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)
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Sep. 16th, 2013 02:25 am
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)
I did it.
I got rid of it.
It's not permanent, but it can't get me anymore. It can't feed off of me, it can't harass my sister, it can't visit us in our dreams. It can't send me spiraling down from a natural high, into a mental breakdown in a matter of minutes or hours. It can't suck the life from me, while no one in the room notices. It can't do any of that anymore, because of what I just did.

I was brave. My body aches, my hands are shaking, and fingers are rather close to blistering [I am careful with how I type]. I buried those bullets in the ground, I defeated the enemies along the way. I didn't expect them but I should have. Who knew a trowel could be such a good weapon.

A part of me feels like I'm overreacting, that my victory is small and that I shouldn't make a post on every social media site I have. But you know what? I was scared of this thing. It frightened me, and very few things do. It made me feel small and weak, but most importantly, it made me feel like I deserved it, that being host to a parasite wasn't such a big deal. So, it seems only proper to celebrate, to say fuck you, because I didn't deserve what happened to me. My freedom is worth celebrating.

I wish I could initiate part two of the plan, but I'm so weak. I don't know if I could do it, even if I tried. I've never really tried astral projection; I did try some as a kid, but never too seriously. What I did was enter more of a trance state, although it bore some similarities to projecting. Yet, when I listened to the audio clip, it sure was easy to slip out. I didn't even mean to but I was half way there, like taking off a glove. Perhaps my tranciness in my youth helped me be able to project easier, it helped me recognize that my body is a vessel for a piece of me, a facet... it not actually me, not all of me. The side of a dice is not a whole dice, after all. Who knows, I'm too tired to care right now.
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