ophelia.

[aravelle]

 It is starting to become more and more accurate, my taking the title of Ophelia. I'm so full of water, that when winter comes, parts of me become cold and freeze, and try to make it so hard for me to live.

It kills me to admit that I don't want to be alive right now. Ironic, I know, especially when I have so much to live for. I thought I could work through this, but it feels as if it were totally new, and I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to save myself from my own frost.

Comments

[notherenow]

I relate to this a lot, unfortunately.

You probably know from reading our journals that I really seriously wanted to be dead in August, after everything that's happened. I've gotten some of my fight back to live, but it's hard, with the holidays coming up (which is never a good time of year for me).

I'm not going to offer you any platitudes, just that I don't think any less of you for feeling this way. Water is my element (I'm a Capricorn, but it's the element I resonate best with and work with the strongest, rain and the sea and the river affect me very strongly), and it definitely tends towards melancholy and that feeling of drowning or freezing. It can be hard for other people to understand, especially as deep as we go.

I do think you're a lovely person and I would be sad if you died, but again, I understand that desire and I don't think you're weak or a bad person for feeling that way. Life is hard, and being a watery person in this world is hard.

[aravelle]

Thank you.
Even though I did not think you would judge me or think any less of me, it is still good for me to hear/know.|
Normally I associate this sort of thing with sinking [hence my title/nickname Ophelia] but this time, it's like frost, because I'm not sinking. I'm growing patches cold and stagnancy inside myself, feeling something that mimics decay, but isn't.

I think in the long run I don't want to do myself in. I recognize that this life is a gift, that I'm here for some reason, and I have opportunities ahead of me that could be really wonderful, mysterious chapters unwritten. I may struggle with liking myself, but I kinda like my story.
A part of me loathes just how fucking hardy I am; I bend easily, but not break. It's just hard to think of the future when you're drowning in now.

I knew you felt watery to me. Not totally watery, but watery nevertheless. I'm a Pisces, a true blue fishgirl. I also saw you mention you were an INFP in another post, which I also happen to be.