hollow smog.

[aravelle]

 I feel like I have fallen into hell and I don't know how to be anymore. I don't know how to be me, because I don't know who I am. This isn't normal. Girls don't look at their genitals and feel disgusted, not like this. They can not like the way it looks but they aren't upset by them like this. I shouldn't be so grossed out at the idea of having a vagina, having this pudgy stuff. If I saw it on another girl I'd probably think it was cute. But I don't know if I'm a girl anymore. I don't think I am. But I don't know if I am a boy either... yet... I'm so scared that if I did something to change to my gender, to make permanent changes, that I wouldn't be happy. That I'd miss having a hole, that I'd miss breasts. But as of late I don't think that's the case. And that scares me so bad. I don't want to be this. I can't even bring myself to type the word. It doesn't make sense. I take the tests and all the good ones say I'm still a girl, that my brain is female. I mean, I get I'm literate, that I'm not really good with my hands, but am I really a girl? I don't know anymore. It won't make sense to my family, it won't make sense to my peers. Yet there's things I don't think I want to give up. I don't want to give up my singing voice, my silly voice, my curves. I like some of them. I don't want facial hair, I don't want worse acne, I don't want any of that. I don't even know how I feel about a bigger clit. Although the idea is starting to sound better and better as of late.. I just don't know if I want a trans man's genitals, but I am bonding with my strap on more. I feel more comfortable with it. Phantom sensations are coming easier.

I don't know if I like who I am, if it's not who I think I am. I feel so lost in my own world. And the only person who can help me figure it out, is me. In the long run anyways. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You can even salt the oats, but you can only do so much, you know? I feel like Spirit and a few others are trying to tell me this is what I am, but I'm not sure. I know Spirit is. I don't think it matters to Jor, except with the emotional distress it's causing. I just don't want to be this. It's bad enough thinking I'm genderfluid but this? This is a special form of hell. I can't be a mermaid and a man. I can't be a dress lover and a man, I can't be someone who wears skirts. I can't expect to be taken seriously by this world. I feel like I'm damned to be a freak. Polytheist, bisexual, and possibly that. I sound like I'm trying to be special but I'm not goddamnit. I just don't want to live this.