(no subject)

 Exhausted. That's a good word to describe me as of late.

Penelope is growing faster, much to my dismay. She walked for the first time today, not that I saw. Her grandfather ended up telling me [how he knew I know not, assuming he told the truth] and that just makes me feel swell. Having a child Over There is goddamned heartbreaking. At least it feels like it for me. I can't hold her, I can't spend enough time with her, I don't even know if I see her right, compared to everyone else. I sometimes wonder if I should have kept her, I feel like I have no business being a mother.

Heavy woo has been swooping in, dental school is brutal. My entity parents are coming into my life, and I don't know how or why, nor how to deal with it. I'm not spending nearly enough time with J, my 3 day weekends feel like half the time, and I had a breakdown today. My birthday is Saturday, I will turn 20. I won't be a child, a teen anymore by a numerical standard. It feels symbolic with all of the shit being thrown at me. Things aren't all bad though. Things with E are well. I formalized my relationship with Loki [a bittersweet thing], I reconciled with someone whom I now consider friend again.

I had said on this blog repeatedly, that harder times were coming, that I needed to cherish my rest. I didn't cherish it enough. The rough times -along with my rebirth- are coming. Sigh.