May. 30th, 2014 02:55 pm
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)
[personal profile] aravelle

 With her, I run with lions. I run with wolves. I run with The Coyote and balls of fire. But I do not know who I am. I don't know what I am. I am a mermaid yes, but that only gets you so far. I don't even think I'm one of the sea anymore. She is more sea than I am. All I can think I am is a little ball of light. I can fight but I am not a warrior. I have no identity, other than being his bride. And that makes me so sad.

I want to figure out who I am. What I am supposed to be. I am getting stronger, I am being braver. School is tearing me to pieces, in its own twisted way it's helping. But it's upsetting to know I'm not even a true mermaid. My own parents can't seem to explain what I am, other than an anomaly of their union. They are not of the sea, even though he may have died that way. Am I like J? Is the sea my home, is my heart there, but I'm not a sea entity?

I want to develop my practice, I want to develop my faith and craft but I have been told repeatedly I have to work on myself. I want to explore, I want to adventure, I want to taste something new. But I can't. Shadow work and school chain me. I hate that damn school. Not quite... I hate how it exhausts me. I hate how I have to nap all the time, how I am under constant persistent stress. I hate how I think of cutting only on the weekdays. I hate that I'm not even halfway through yet. I hate how my mother has the audacity to compare my suffering to her. Fuck my mother. Right now she is not good to me, not good to my heart. Fuck my sister, for being a rude little brat. For being ignorant and arrogant and a raging bitch. Fuck them all, for wondering why I retreat into wonderland, for skyping all day. I just want to breathe. I want to live and explore and it's all I've wanted all these years. They say people who think of suicide crave desperate change. Radical transformation. And they're not wrong anymore. I never really wanted an end. I wanted a beginning. And I'm in the process of carving mine out right now.
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