Adventures in the Deep

 You know, this baby better be cute because I had to kill a fucking pony for it, and I still feel bad for taking an innocent life even though it was actually delicious.  :I It couldn't even defend itself, but the deer wasn't cutting it, it lacked something Baby needed. I apologized to that horse, even if it didn't understand what I was saying. I tried to keep the pain as minimal as possible, and for once, I did not eat its heart. There is no sport, no trophy to be won for taking a lamb to the slaughter. He was so big and beautiful too, easily 7 and a half feet tall.. I wonder if he was some kind of super horse. He didn't seem to be smarter, nor did he have the ability to talk. Sigh. At least Baby's sated. Earlier after I ate, she gave off the energetic equivalent of purring, it was preeeetty precious.

Thank god I got another vial of astral oil earlier. Mom was clearly annoyed I wanted to go to the shop, but I begged her, telling her that it was basically an emergency. I don't want to use too much mugwort before she's born, it just doesn't feel right, whereas the oil slips me Over There in no time. It's cheap shit too, 5 bucks for a few ounces, and it takes only a 4-6 drops to work its magic.

I need to start "shopping" for things to use for the fetch. I may use cat's claws and chinchilla hair. I have chameleon skin, I think that will prove very valuable. I am contemplating using some of my parrot's feathers, but I'm not sure for what qualities other than loudness . I will probably use dog hair for loyalty, even though I don't think of either one of my mongrels as particularly loyal. xD Wait... I think I have a fossilized shark tooth. YAAS BROTHAH YAAAS THIS SHALL BE EASIER THAN I THOUGHT. *does a little dance*

I like how I seem most drawn to Norse mythology and demons. It just seems to define me well, even if I don't work heavily -if at all- with either of those. J is Norse and I work with/provide offerings for one of his relatives every so often and that's where it ends. I've only made one deal with a demon, although I'd like to make more in the future, esp when I learn ceremonial magic.

These aren't my priorities right now though. I want to learn how to manipulate the weather, and nightmares. They're on my hitlist, that and growing more confident with sea witchery... and getting a damned tarot deck. Based on these things alone I feel like I have so much potential as a witch, to be someone truly powerful. I'm hoping that if I join Nat's coven, that I'll learn how to deal with nightmares. Weather magic, I think I can learn mostly on my own with the right resources.

I talked with Momma earlier. Her essence, and J's, inadvertently tell me whom I'm going to be, what I'm going to be like. Their essences are going to influence me heavily; they already have. She reminds me of desert sand and amber earth, of lions and cave drawings and fire and earth. J is darkness and water, he is the silent storm, the radiance in the dark. I'm proud to be influenced by such forces, to have such people in my life. I am blessed.

This thing's sucking the life from me. It has been for years, using me as a host. And now, because I'm fighting back, it's sucking even harder. That's why I snapped earlier. That's why I woke up this morning aching, because it knew the bullets tied to my wrist were for it .

I need to get this over with. I'm scared, this isn't just some demon or pixie. This is something people don't even speak the name of, something I have to have a nick name for to lighten the mood.
J's been so kind, helping me, protecting me. I bet the reason it's never done anything serious is because of him. It's what I believe. He's so good to me, and I'm so scared of him sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve him. He's too good to be true.

Anyways, I have no specific date to do the thing with the bullets and to interact with The Turtle.
I just need energy, and right now I feel ill, starved, weak. Not as bad as the time E and I broke up with Seashell, but still pretty bad.

I can hear mom doing that heavy breath thing when she's really tired or exasperated. I wonder if it attacks her too. I bet it does. I remember the one time I tasted a bit of her energy, and it made me physically ill. She was like poison. Maybe it hits her hardest. Or, she's just toxic for me. Who knows. I sure won't, until I get this bastard out.

I wish I was braver about this, I was told I'd have to be. But, it takes emotional, spiritual energy from me, and makes me feel like it's okay. It's almost like it numbs me and makes my sense of self worth highly erratic. It's abusive, and the main thing that justifies me getting rid of it is how it probably affects my family. I know my sister feels it. She saw it once. She hates going out to the garage; I feel bad for mocking her. She's probably more sensitive to it in some ways than I, she's a Cancer after all.

I've got to do this, for her. She deserves to live a life without fear, especially of something that most people don't believe exists.