Knowing that I have to bring Imri into the world, and that because of him I'll have to stay in it until my natural death... it upsets me. It means I can't even think about suicide anymore, because my life isn't my own. It's my baby's too. But then again.. how could I ever leave my to be husband? There is no promise I will see him or Imri when I die, regardless of what I believe. I can't do that to my baby, I can't leave him alone or not bring him at all. He is so important. I already know that. I can't do that to him, I already love him too much. But I at least wish I had death as an option.
Maybe tonight I'll change my mind. It is the big day, after all. Sigh.
Don't call it mutual distaste when you call my friends delusional and suffering from psychosis you piece of shit.
I don't expect acceptance but you're not even anywhere close to respectful. I hope you become a little less friendly with N, because she believes in past lives too, and if she can be a goddamned magical princess, why the fuck can't my friends and I be demons, elves, and mermaids? Just leave us be. Be humane you goddamned sociopath. I feel like that anonymous hit the nail right on the head when they said that's what you were. And to me, that usually isn't a good thing.
BODY IS THIS REALLY NECESSARY?!
I'm recovering from the sick, I'm still on the period and then I have this otherkin shit and hardcore sea salt craving and ONCE I GET OVER THAT I START FEELING HARDCORE UNFEMME AND EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH MY BOOBS. WHAT THE HELL BODY Y U DO THIS TO MY IDENTITY AND GENDER AND JUST AAAAAAGHHHH
They don't have to deal with mood swings or being hurt when someone dislikes something you like or having the most fucking childish impulses, and being aware that they're childish, and thus not acting on them because they don't want to.
I wish I was perfect. I can't deny it. I wish I could make everyone happy, I wish that I could agree with everyone and just exhaust myself and make progress with my life. I wish I could be normal. I realize normal isn't real, not in the States but.. I like to think it is. I like to think that normal is the white cookie cutter family with the golden retriever and picket fence and happy stay at home mom and the dad that works from 9 to 5. It's the older brother who does sports, and the older sister whose a cheerleader, or going into an Ivy League school. It's nothing like me, or the people I surround myself with. I'm so absorbed in my own world, a world of queer artsy nerds, that I have little to no regular interaction with the outside and sometimes I think I forget how to cope out there. But.. it's not like I like it out there much, either. I wish I could either fit the mold and be cookie cutter, or just be an outright freak and not care. But I feel like I'm stuck in the middle, and it's terrible.
I feel like a mermaid.
How dare you. How dare you, making me have to go through the details of my assaults, to justify my anxiety to you. You don't even know that I've been depressed, you don't even know how I've hurt myself and been suicidal. I thought you were supposed to support me. I thought I could trust you. But instead, you called me weak, for being damaged. For something I can't control.
I'm shaking I'm so upset. You're my sister, not my mother. My mother is supposed to be the closest thing there is to the enemy. But this just proves, that this family thinks that I am weak and dramatic... when they don't know how many times I've had to be strong. It hurts, a lot. I feel like I can't -and don't- have a strong familial unit. That there's no loving bond. If it's there at all, it's weak. I wish I could at least have a decent relationship with my mom. It's bad enough I already lost my dad. I feel like E and I's little family has more love and stability than the one I live with, and that hurts... a lot. I haven't even known her for a year. I've known my sister all her life, all her 13 years, and my mom, my whole life. I wish I didn't care at all.
Okay, so if men are designed to be promiscious and women aren't, whom are they supposed to be promiscious with? Other men? Or, are there women who "malfunction" to the benefit of the men? Are there certain women programmed to help men, and thus the common of human sexuality revolves around men? Because that's fucking sexist and problematic.
"If a woman expects a man to be an angel in her life, she should first create a heaven for him."
Oooh that rustled my jimmies. Firstly, who said we want an angel? What if we want a fellow demon to create chaos with us? I know there are lots of women who would just love to be rescued from themselves and their daily life, but do you know why? The media, my friend. The media feeds us the dreams and glorifies them, even from a very young age. I know Disney sure as hell left its impression on me, or so I think it was solely Disney [not sure thanks to past life stuff] but when I was in pre-school I was planning my goddamned wedding, and wanted nothing more than to love and be in love with a boyfriend. Even if my influence was not solely Disney, I know I'm not the only one who felt that way. One could blame parents for for exposing them to that, but to be mad at your parents for showing you movies that are generally wholesome and promote good values, regardless of that odd side effect of heavy romanticism? Come on.
Oh god, and then your whole scpheel [sp?] on female celebrities.
"So I’m not allowed to have opinions because I might hurt someone’s feelings? Sadly that’s how a lot of people thing these days. Just remember that they also make more money than most people will ever hope to, and are able to influence the zeitgeist like no others. They have some really special privileges, but every privilege comes at a cost."
Uh, you're allowed to have an opinion, but that doesn't mean you get to be a hateful cunt. There is a difference between disliking someone, disliking their choices, or finding them unattractive versus being hateful. Also, you don't seem to notice that male artists get significantly less criticism and get away with more shit [the exclusion being someone like Justin Bieber, whom was hated unjustly from the beginning but has now become a giant mentally unwell asshat.]
[to be continued when anger strikes again]
Okay, that's a lie. But your views are stupid. I am very ready to pounce on you for your stupid views.
It is not a double fucking standard that women having casual sex is empowering, whereas it's scummy for men. Why? Because we're trying to make it empowering, to make it societally [new word ftw] for women to have sex with whom they want, when they want [read: before marriage]. I don't give an actual fuck if men sleep around before marriage, that's their goddamned business as long as it was consensual and protection was used. Men are not shamed for doing such things. Even those who find it bad for men, will most likely find it worse for a woman to do. Women are men's equals. It's that simple, bozo. I don't know where the fuck you heard about this "hook up culture" because as an active social justice-ish bloggy person I've never even fucking heard of that term. And can you please stop shitting on feminists? For someone whose supposed to be a trans woman, you sure have a knack of bashing women. Some of the ones you bash on, are shitty. I've no qualms with that. In fact, you've made some good points. But othertimes, you're just so caught up in this conservative white-male attitude [that's the best way to describe it regardless of your identity] that it's revolting. If you didn't need me, I would have snapped your neck by now.
"When a guy complains about a girl, he's a misogynist. If a girl complains about a guy, he's an idiot". It depends on fucking why both parties are complaining, you fucktart. I can't believe I'm actually following you on tumblr, I could seriously unleash on the dogs on you.
"Maybe people who shame sluts are entitled to their opinion and preference." Uhm, yes and no. Having preferences is not problematic, it's the context. If you think someone is less worthy to date you because of their sexual activity, that's kind of elitist and dickish. Yet I can understand wanting to be with a virgin, to share virginal experiences with someone, I don't see anything wrong with wanting that, or preferring it.. herm. Also, just because you have an opinion doesn't mean you should say it. Hell, I have some opinions that if I vocalized, I'd look like a giant cunt. There are lots of things I find stupid, absurd, and half heartedly wish I was brave enough to go up to people and say "That haircut makes you look like a dumbass." Or, "It's really obvious she has implants." Shit like that? It's mean . You can think it, but if you say it, it's fucking mean. That's why, I don't say diddly shit. I realize I'm allowed to have my opinion but that doesn't mean I say it to someone's face, if at all, because I recognize how it could hurt someone's feelings. And then there's the dicks who say "Oh, you're just too sensitive" or "get over it". No. Not everyone can be so "tough" and "strong" dick slapper. Hell, half the people who say that shit only say it because they went through their shit boo boos and became so callous such things barely affect them. And because they went through that, they expect those that are "weaker" to toughen up too. Some of us can't. Some of us don't want to. We don't have to, because you think so. Men [as it is almost always a man] need to calm the fuck down and get over the machismo [wait that's actually a word, what the fuck google]. They become so callous, they lack compassion and empathy, and that's when I want to hack compassion and empathy into their skulls with a hatchet.
But this isn't why I'm writing. I'm writing because.. well, I've things on my mind. Other things.
I'm tired of absolutes. I'm tired of hearing "love is the answer". They're lies. I am not saying, that we should not try to love most things. I believe that tolerance, respect, love, compassion, that all of those things are important. But love is not always the answer. Sometimes, cold hard vengeance is. Sometimes, cruelty is, anger is. Do not love the hand that strikes you, grab it, stop it, and strike back. Show that you are not to be trod upon. For so many years, I was told that love was the one and only answer, that you should basically take the beating and love your enemies. I remember being bullied, and letting myself be bullied, because I pitied them. I pitied how they took out their problems on other people, such as myself, how they seemed to enjoy it but deep down they may not have at all. I remember them poking and prodding at me in class, being called names.. and then just snapping. Screaming. Peeling the skin off my wrist under my jacket sleeve with a pen beforehand, because I could not handle the pain. I remember sobbing in the bathroom and being found by a girl I barely knew, who got help from the office and the office lady saying that if I needed to talk I could [which was horse shit, but I appreciated the gesture the young girl did for me, she could have simply ran away]. If it were now, I would have beaten them to a pulp. I would have struck back. A part of me wishes I had, and that they would've fought back, and that I'd have gotten dirty, that I'd have drawn blood and been feared. Fear is not respect, but it would have been the closest thing I got to respect from those boys. They were cruel and stupid and immature, like young boys can be. But now I'm at the point where I'm running my tongue over my teeth, where I acknowledge they exist and can be used, along with a silent mouth and a smooth talking tongue.
I was taught that love is the answer, from my mother and my private schools. My mother hates conflict. She will jab with words like a jabbering bird, but she is soft. Her bark is worse than her bite, and I'm learning to no longer fear her bark. I've done what I wanted anyways for years, I just danced around the part where I ask her permission, because all she will do is jabber. She won't really punish me. For the most part, I've grown up with a lack of discipline thanks to her. My father was lax too, yet when he was not he was too harsh. It was a terrible imbalance, and one my sister has to deal with in a way unique versus my own, with going back and forth from different households. I worry about her sometimes, but the readings say her adolescence will be nothing like mine, she will have it easy compared to me. In some ways I know it's frustrating though, because my father's a damned misogynist. He's a fat shaming racist with such a big ego he has no room to admit when he is wrong, and for being as young as she is, she's a smart girl. She knows when what he says is not right, albeit being a bit too sensitive to it [I hear the stories secondhand, but I still know she is]. Her uncle is the same way, and her grandma is a stubborn cunt. Perhaps cunt is a harsh word, but she tolerates all this under her nose, and continues to be the woman who refuses to get air conditioning despite how people suffer in her home. Not even for her dying husband would she install it, because of her stubbornness and pride. I think that's part of why I rarely let pride be a factor in my decisions, because of her actions and her son's. I learned from their mistakes.