struggle.

 Knowing that I have to bring Imri into the world, and that because of him I'll have to stay in it until my natural death... it upsets me. It means I can't even think about suicide anymore, because my life isn't my own. It's my baby's too. But then again.. how could I ever leave my to be husband? There is no promise I will see him or Imri when I die, regardless of what I believe. I can't do that to my baby, I can't leave him alone or not bring him at all. He is so important. I already know that. I can't do that to him, I already love him too much. But I at least wish I had death as an option.

Maybe tonight I'll change my mind. It is the big day, after all. Sigh.

borealis.

 Lucky me, about 70% on my way to a breakdown because I want to see E again. I'm already shaking some. She's going to make me feel greedy and rude and intrusive and like I am forcing her into it. I feel abused, when really we're just so complicated. She's just wired a certain way that fits another era better, it seems. It doesn't fit 2013 Southern California, or our lifestyle. We just have a big house and a lot of animals and she doesn't feel like she has much control over her life, so she gets more controlling with me, but not like, INSANELY controlling? Just... bad controlling. Enough to suffocate fragile flower me, in all of my sensitive glory.