(no subject)

 I wish my mother hadn't said those things.

She talked about an old teacher of hers that was incompetent, who had thick greasy hair, constant dandruff, and reeked. She considered him ugly, which is something I understand, he did not sound like an attractive man or even a good person. But, I was on skype with E. E, has a skin condition that gives her constant dandruff, and sometimes makes her smell, no matter how much she bathes. And without meaning to, or even knowing she could hear, I think Mom's words hurt and even horrified E, because it reminded her of the times people asked about her skin, or why she has this or that. And that makes me really sad. Maybe she would worry about my mother's judgement, even though my mom knows she has a condition and wouldn't say anything. It's not like my mother is one to talk, she's got a back condition after all, and her skull isn't normally formed. She of all people knows about judgement. I just wish E didn't hear. Knowing she could, and hearing my mother speak made me very uncomfortable, E thinks she is hideous as it is, she doesn't need a reminder, my poor beautiful girl.. I wish she could see me how I see her, I wish she could feel beautiful even when I'm not around. She deserves that, instead of feeling trapped in her sick body. She doesn't deserve that at all..

vanessa.

 To be honest, I can't tell her how much I miss him. I can't tell her how much I miss her love, my family, how I break into little sobs when I think of him. I miss him so much. I've never lost someone in this life, not human, not family, not like this. When I lose people, they break off and slowly drift away. He's gone, gone altogether and sometimes I feel I can't take it, knowing he's gone and that she bleeds everyday and I can't help her. I can't save her. She wants to die. It's why I pray to Loki, it's why I beg him to take care of her for me because I can't be there to touch her and hug her and hold her myself. I can't heal her or save her. And knowing, that I am just one person, that I'm one stupid, feeble, mortal human in this human body who can only do so much, that can't save just one person.... it hurts. I hate knowing that she hurts, it's even worse knowing she has her walls up and that she hides from him and me and the only one she opened up to so easily was him. I miss him, I miss him so much and for the first time I am shedding more than a few tears. He's been gone for one month and one day, and he has to be gone for the rest of her life and I hatehatehate that. I wish I could change that. Sometimes I wish I could die, and bring him here for her. I wish I didn't have a purpose here, so I could do that and she could have her happily ever after. But the dice hasn't fallen, the right cards are not in play. She, I must wait.

I never thought Death would be my friend, until now.

(no subject)

 I really fucking wish I could travel, but I'm too emotionally exhausted to even think about it. Ugh.

I need to complete Mother's mission.. I told myself no dates with J until I do the thing. Grah.