barbed rack.

 I hate it when I have days where I'm really productive, but the following days after I do nothing, and I feel so disappointed in myself. I want to make progress, I want to do something, but I'm tired and depressed and have to be up early tomorrow. I've got a doctor's appointment, I'm finally taking a legitimate allergy test. Hopefully I can figure out what it is in shellfish I'm actually allergic to, and if I'm really allergic to avocado, or if that one time was just a hellish fluke. God forbid I'm allergic to anything else. x.x

I think I'm going to paint my nails red tomorrow. I'm not sure though. There's something very satisfying about black, especially as my default.. I could always don red lips instead.. but then again, my lips are dry, and we hate wearing that when our lips are already dry. We will see. I'll at least take off my polish tonight.

I miss travelling, spirit walking, whatever you want to call it. The last time I went over there, it was brief, to test and see if I had a power I thought I had [I do, but it came with a catch]. Thing is, I don't really have much reason to be over there. I live out in the boonies, in forest. I suppose I can explore more, but deep down, I'm scared of running into something serious. It's a weird place. I can handle wild animals, but that fucking volcano... no thank you. The archipelago is filled with all sorts of nasty things, I'm not confident enough to go exploring that, I'd much rather stick around the forest. Sigh. I wish I could see J. I miss him like hell. I figure he is busy, and I don't blame him, but things feel different. He isn't sending me songs, but he does listen when I pray or ask him questions. He just doesn't feel as close. He probably figures I'm safe now that the leech is gone, and he's right, but ehh.. even during our last date things felt a bit different, like he wasn't as close. I was a fool for not paying attention to him during the heat of things with Iris. Maybe he's trying to get back at me? Although, that seems against his nature, he's never been passive aggressive with me. Hmm. I'm probably thinking too much, he'll be back soon, right? Right.