ceilings

I don't think I'll admit it anywhere else, but I love him. No.. not even here, I can't pour out my feelings for him. The way I feel for him is like a sacred but dead language, that if I speak no one will understand, and the moment those words hit the air, it will sully them.

I just feel like I could love him forever. That I could kill men with his name on my breath, that I could dream of him every night, and I would never grow bored, only overwhelmed. It's like a disease, and I am still so scared to let it consume me. I'm afraid he'll be harder to keep secret, that I'll grieve that the world wouldn't believe in what we have, much less understand it.

It's like my feelings for him are leaking into my bloodstream. I see him everywhere, even if it has nothing to do with him, my brain makes it about him. He's everything I ever wanted and more. Yet, when I try to tell him anything of the sort... I grow stiff. I stutter, I um and like and bite my lips. With my other lovers, words tumbled from my mouth like water. With him, they rust and stick. It's already a feat for me to be able to say I love you, every night.

I fear the day he will hurt me. He already has, once or twice, in the smallest ways that were never his fault... but I fear it nevertheless. I feel like it's all too good to be true. I'm not ready to be scarred again.

sweat.

( You're about to view content that the journal owner has advised should be viewed with discretion. )