Adventures in the Deep

 I don't want to be like my dad. I don't even consider him my dad, but it's easier to call him that. But that's what I hear when my mom says those things. When she tells me not to mess up this time, not to fuck up my life, because I'm an adult now. Don't be that foolish, reckless, arrogant, dreamer. Someone whose image of themselves, their pride, meant more to him than the safety and security of his family. Don't be someone who could've had it all, but let it crumble in his hands, someone who falls for the same tricks, who repeats the same mistakes over and over and over.

Talking to my mom about this sort of thing is upsetting, to say the least. It's draining. It's like she sucks the hope and happiness and sense of self I have, without even trying. She makes me feel like I'm wrong, and I'm worried that maybe I am. I worry the most when I talk to her. I think, part of it, is because it's her. If it came from another person, I'd feel a bit different. But generally speaking, when I talk to her, all I hear is "Failure". Maybe acceptable, at best. When she thanks me for things, I literally don't know how to act. I feel a sense of disorientation, of confusion. The only time I can remember her saying that she's proud of me is when I do something theatrical. Otherwise, I feel like a bad daughter. A bad student. A contributor to the household. Someone whose future will never be as bright as my mother's or what my father's could have been, because I'm not wired the right way, and I don't know how to change myself without breaking. 

Compliments are non-existent. She is critical and judgemental of everyone, including herself. I tease her from time to time, but I know it's passive aggressive. She's sensitive, I'm sensitive, we're sensitive.. we're stuck in this cycle and I don't know how to fix it. All I know is when I'm on my own, when I gain more of a sense of independence our relationship will improve, once I'm out of the house especially. I just want ot be happy, to feel free... not that being "a part of the system" will truly fix that, but eh. Sigh.