Baby is definitely growing, my phantom tummy is getting larger. I feel like part of me is literally stretching and growing. Baby wanted blood earlier, so I had to go hunting. I killed a rabbit and a deer caribou thing [it was female but had antlers?] and barely sated myself. I am worried about Baby's appetite growing, and me trying to keep up with it. I am going to try to eat lots of protein and iron rich things to curve cravings, otherwise I may have to feed on the local village's livestock if hunting gets slim. I feel seafood won't sate my hunger. That, or I may have to ask J to help me.
I am also concerned about creating a fetch for the baby. I want it to have an eternal guardian and friend, someone who will obey me and report to me. E has made one, and he is FANTASTIC, I adore him. I thought that this baby was going to be the awaited Imri, but now I don't, so I don't know what this baby's fetch will be.
Another.. anomaly about this pregnancy, is that it was, is an accident. J and I both want kids, but we didn't plan for this to happen. He's very upset over that. He really didn't think I was pregnant, he didn't believe me, but after the readings, after his father and Mother confirmed it, there isn't much more to say. I have a bit of a bump over there, and it's only bound to get bigger. I am worried about going into labor during school, or while I am walking home. This baby is a demi-god after all, we don't even know my heritage, except that my father is a god. Well, HE knows my father but I don't yet. I hope Father won't be mad. I think that's why J is upset, because he knows that this pregnancy will intervene with the plans father has for me, but the idea of giving the baby up is unacceptable, to say the least. Unthinkable honestly. I already love them and feel them growing inside me. I don't know if I'm ready to be a mother, but would I ever be?
I don't like it when people in our own community dismiss their beliefs and experiences as "probably in my head". I'm just already insecure and skeptical as hell about my stuff as it is, and hearing one of our own -and not a dummy for that matter- say that just makes me anxious. I don't like thinking it's all in my head, because that makes me sound fucking nuts and dismissable, as if I have imaginary friends.. but non-corporeal entities are not imaginary friends to me. I cannot control what they say, I cannot tweak it. I remember when J first exposed his feelings to me, I was terrified. I didn't want anything to do with them, because I already knew I'd like him a lot and I didn't want to be one of those godspousey sort of people, with their always aching hearts. I didn't want the pain of being with someone I couldn't introduce to my friends and family; admittedly a small part of me liked the idea of a "speshul romance" but in the long run, I know myself, and it wasn't what I wanted.. but then I gave in. It was wrong to keep stringing him along, not giving him a straight answer about wanting to be with him, but something with us clicked, something that both scared me and gave me a kind of peace nothing else in this life has. I couldn't give that up, not without a fight. I knew I'd have to change some things [I really didn't want to], but I'd make it work.. and I have. In many ways he is perfect to me, and I didn't expect him to have those traits, at all.. and to say, that that's just all in my head, makes it sound like wish fulfillment manifested. I hate that.
A big thing that gives me faith is that E's non-corporeal beau is bi-lingual. He fluently knows and speaks a language that she never had even heard in this life. She legitimately did not understand what he said, in that language [until she began to learn that is]. He is everything she ever wanted as well, and she was almost as skeptical as myself when they found each other. And, she's had experiences with J. My personal gnosis[es?] match almost everyone else's I talk to, but even those that don't totally still fit his character, they still make sense... so unless we've all got the same variation of the cuckoo disease, I have faith. And I never want to hear of one of our own saying what that person did, ever again.
I've been left to wonder, what my heritage is over on the other side. Do I have spiritual parents? I don't think I'm human souled, considering my forms over there. One thought I've been entertaining is being a child of Tiamat. I've always liked her, always "clicked" with her, but I need to do some solid scoobying before I entertain it further. I don't think that Mother is my actual mother, unless I had one helluva funky sire. God forbid J was my parent, yick.. preeetty sure that's not the case though.
E has been questioning her own, and this is what has led me to mine. My theory's that she's demon-kin, although she appears human over there.. maybe she really is human souled. Just strange. She's so wild on the inside, not like me. On the inside I'm pretty composed, I'm cool and coiled and wet and shades of blue, whereas she's just.. wild.
Meh. I'll figure things out. Just gotta find someone, an unbiased party, to give me a pendulum reading. Theeen I can do some real scoobying. I feel like once I figure out who my parents are -if I have any- I'll only unravel the mystery of who I really am further.