oak.

Sep. 9th, 2013 11:10 pm
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)
This thing's sucking the life from me. It has been for years, using me as a host. And now, because I'm fighting back, it's sucking even harder. That's why I snapped earlier. That's why I woke up this morning aching, because it knew the bullets tied to my wrist were for it .

I need to get this over with. I'm scared, this isn't just some demon or pixie. This is something people don't even speak the name of, something I have to have a nick name for to lighten the mood.
J's been so kind, helping me, protecting me. I bet the reason it's never done anything serious is because of him. It's what I believe. He's so good to me, and I'm so scared of him sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve him. He's too good to be true.

Anyways, I have no specific date to do the thing with the bullets and to interact with The Turtle.
I just need energy, and right now I feel ill, starved, weak. Not as bad as the time E and I broke up with Seashell, but still pretty bad.

I can hear mom doing that heavy breath thing when she's really tired or exasperated. I wonder if it attacks her too. I bet it does. I remember the one time I tasted a bit of her energy, and it made me physically ill. She was like poison. Maybe it hits her hardest. Or, she's just toxic for me. Who knows. I sure won't, until I get this bastard out.

I wish I was braver about this, I was told I'd have to be. But, it takes emotional, spiritual energy from me, and makes me feel like it's okay. It's almost like it numbs me and makes my sense of self worth highly erratic. It's abusive, and the main thing that justifies me getting rid of it is how it probably affects my family. I know my sister feels it. She saw it once. She hates going out to the garage; I feel bad for mocking her. She's probably more sensitive to it in some ways than I, she's a Cancer after all.

I've got to do this, for her. She deserves to live a life without fear, especially of something that most people don't believe exists.
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