I miss him. This sucks so much. It has been barely 2 days and I feel like I'm going to wither away. I just can't get enough of him, I kiss him and kiss him and kiss him and wrap our energies together like serpents intertwined but it isn't enough. And I don't think it ever will be. That's what I get for admitting I was in love with him. That I have been all along.
Oh my god I am going to marry him. We are getting married. I'm committing to him, completely. We haven't made any plans whatsoever, but oh my god.. we're getting married. I don't quite know what we're doing.. I just really want to walk down an aisle. I want to look beautiful here and There, I want to spend the day with him, and I hope I don't cry for the wrong reasons. I hope I don't cry because I never got to see her wedding, that she can't have the ending that seems to be set up for me. I've been missing him all day, for days. It's plaguing me but I can't say anything and hurt her. I may just do a spell, to numb it out or heal it.
I wish I was better at losing people.
I can't believe I'm marrying him. May 12th... I become the bride of a god. I can't wait to bear his children, I can't wait to dance with him, I can't wait to love and be loved more than I already am, if possible. He makes me feel so special, even if he doesn't talk much or lavish me with things. He's thoughtful, and that's more than okay.
I just feel like I could love him forever. That I could kill men with his name on my breath, that I could dream of him every night, and I would never grow bored, only overwhelmed. It's like a disease, and I am still so scared to let it consume me. I'm afraid he'll be harder to keep secret, that I'll grieve that the world wouldn't believe in what we have, much less understand it.
It's like my feelings for him are leaking into my bloodstream. I see him everywhere, even if it has nothing to do with him, my brain makes it about him. He's everything I ever wanted and more. Yet, when I try to tell him anything of the sort... I grow stiff. I stutter, I um and like and bite my lips. With my other lovers, words tumbled from my mouth like water. With him, they rust and stick. It's already a feat for me to be able to say I love you, every night.
I fear the day he will hurt me. He already has, once or twice, in the smallest ways that were never his fault... but I fear it nevertheless. I feel like it's all too good to be true. I'm not ready to be scarred again.
For someone so full of pain, she's so alive, at least when she's with him.
Otherwise, she's a grouchapuss with a bark as bad as her bite. She's my Kraken, but goddamn do I love her. If I didn't know any better, I'd really think we were a couple.
I like our bond the way it is. Close enough to be lovers, yet sharing in things -our pains and experiences- like sisters. I feel a certain kind of wholeness when she's with me, when we speak. What can I say? She makes me happy. She's something I never knew I needed, and has changed me for the better. I hope I can keep her for the rest of my life, but if I can't, I'm going to enjoy every moment I have with her, and cherish the ride.
Yes yes, he and I, I and he, we're gonna have a date night! Teehee~
J and I don't really get to have them often, but when we do they're so much fun. I've been itching to watch a Tim Burton movie with him, we're probably going to watch Edward Scissorhands. He basically is Edward, I get so sentimental whenever I see pictures or scenes from the movie. If we don't see that, we'll see Frankenweenie. I know he'll like that. He and Tim Burton are going to have a lovely relationship. I'll have to explain to him who he is eventually, he loved Nightmare Before Christmas so much after all. Teeh. Happy happy happy. x3