My tummy seems to feel smaller, that or I don't feel it little to none at all. I hope Baby is okay. Spirit says she is. [I feel like Baby is a she.] I will plan to feed later, J's bringing me food and supplies but.. I'm just nervous. Very much so. I don't know how to mom, much less a Jotun/God-mermaid baby. That may be a friggin' first. And there's no documenting -that I know of- of how to take care of merbabies, assuming that I'm all mer, as I have a snakey form too... I almost wish that dragon is genetic, because it would make this a lot easier and I could just consider it my final poke-evolution. *is shot* But no, that had to be a fluke, a gift.... grrrrr.
Baby is definitely growing, my phantom tummy is getting larger. I feel like part of me is literally stretching and growing. Baby wanted blood earlier, so I had to go hunting. I killed a rabbit and a deer caribou thing [it was female but had antlers?] and barely sated myself. I am worried about Baby's appetite growing, and me trying to keep up with it. I am going to try to eat lots of protein and iron rich things to curve cravings, otherwise I may have to feed on the local village's livestock if hunting gets slim. I feel seafood won't sate my hunger. That, or I may have to ask J to help me.
I am also concerned about creating a fetch for the baby. I want it to have an eternal guardian and friend, someone who will obey me and report to me. E has made one, and he is FANTASTIC, I adore him. I thought that this baby was going to be the awaited Imri, but now I don't, so I don't know what this baby's fetch will be.
Another.. anomaly about this pregnancy, is that it was, is an accident. J and I both want kids, but we didn't plan for this to happen. He's very upset over that. He really didn't think I was pregnant, he didn't believe me, but after the readings, after his father and Mother confirmed it, there isn't much more to say. I have a bit of a bump over there, and it's only bound to get bigger. I am worried about going into labor during school, or while I am walking home. This baby is a demi-god after all, we don't even know my heritage, except that my father is a god. Well, HE knows my father but I don't yet. I hope Father won't be mad. I think that's why J is upset, because he knows that this pregnancy will intervene with the plans father has for me, but the idea of giving the baby up is unacceptable, to say the least. Unthinkable honestly. I already love them and feel them growing inside me. I don't know if I'm ready to be a mother, but would I ever be?
Oh my god I am going to marry him. We are getting married. I'm committing to him, completely. We haven't made any plans whatsoever, but oh my god.. we're getting married. I don't quite know what we're doing.. I just really want to walk down an aisle. I want to look beautiful here and There, I want to spend the day with him, and I hope I don't cry for the wrong reasons. I hope I don't cry because I never got to see her wedding, that she can't have the ending that seems to be set up for me. I've been missing him all day, for days. It's plaguing me but I can't say anything and hurt her. I may just do a spell, to numb it out or heal it.
I wish I was better at losing people.
Knowing that I have to bring Imri into the world, and that because of him I'll have to stay in it until my natural death... it upsets me. It means I can't even think about suicide anymore, because my life isn't my own. It's my baby's too. But then again.. how could I ever leave my to be husband? There is no promise I will see him or Imri when I die, regardless of what I believe. I can't do that to my baby, I can't leave him alone or not bring him at all. He is so important. I already know that. I can't do that to him, I already love him too much. But I at least wish I had death as an option.
Maybe tonight I'll change my mind. It is the big day, after all. Sigh.
To be honest, I can't tell her how much I miss him. I can't tell her how much I miss her love, my family, how I break into little sobs when I think of him. I miss him so much. I've never lost someone in this life, not human, not family, not like this. When I lose people, they break off and slowly drift away. He's gone, gone altogether and sometimes I feel I can't take it, knowing he's gone and that she bleeds everyday and I can't help her. I can't save her. She wants to die. It's why I pray to Loki, it's why I beg him to take care of her for me because I can't be there to touch her and hug her and hold her myself. I can't heal her or save her. And knowing, that I am just one person, that I'm one stupid, feeble, mortal human in this human body who can only do so much, that can't save just one person.... it hurts. I hate knowing that she hurts, it's even worse knowing she has her walls up and that she hides from him and me and the only one she opened up to so easily was him. I miss him, I miss him so much and for the first time I am shedding more than a few tears. He's been gone for one month and one day, and he has to be gone for the rest of her life and I hatehatehate that. I wish I could change that. Sometimes I wish I could die, and bring him here for her. I wish I didn't have a purpose here, so I could do that and she could have her happily ever after. But the dice hasn't fallen, the right cards are not in play. She, I must wait.
I never thought Death would be my friend, until now.
I wish my mother hadn't said those things.
She talked about an old teacher of hers that was incompetent, who had thick greasy hair, constant dandruff, and reeked. She considered him ugly, which is something I understand, he did not sound like an attractive man or even a good person. But, I was on skype with E. E, has a skin condition that gives her constant dandruff, and sometimes makes her smell, no matter how much she bathes. And without meaning to, or even knowing she could hear, I think Mom's words hurt and even horrified E, because it reminded her of the times people asked about her skin, or why she has this or that. And that makes me really sad. Maybe she would worry about my mother's judgement, even though my mom knows she has a condition and wouldn't say anything. It's not like my mother is one to talk, she's got a back condition after all, and her skull isn't normally formed. She of all people knows about judgement. I just wish E didn't hear. Knowing she could, and hearing my mother speak made me very uncomfortable, E thinks she is hideous as it is, she doesn't need a reminder, my poor beautiful girl.. I wish she could see me how I see her, I wish she could feel beautiful even when I'm not around. She deserves that, instead of feeling trapped in her sick body. She doesn't deserve that at all..
I need to cough up the stone in my stomach, I need to seal the demon in me. I need to heal, and start over.
And I'll start doing that by finding that purging spell she mentioned, and looking for cleansing incense. I need to start over, to shrug the burden off my shoulders and breathe, because something in me is festering and needs fresh air.
I can't believe I'm marrying him. May 12th... I become the bride of a god. I can't wait to bear his children, I can't wait to dance with him, I can't wait to love and be loved more than I already am, if possible. He makes me feel so special, even if he doesn't talk much or lavish me with things. He's thoughtful, and that's more than okay.