I feel like a bird trying to fly with a broken wing. I am having such a hard time in school, trying to just be and exist and do well. I'm not putting my all in because if I do that my mental health with suffer more, and I nearly relapsed today. I am seriously considering getting a medical marijuana card so I can just smoke out all my issues. When I smoked over the weekend I felt.. free, just for a while. And it really benefitted me mentally. It's better for me than alcohol, which I've been drinking more and more of. I'm trying to be aware of it though, not let it be a problem. Alcoholism is prominent on both sides of my family for the past few generations, so yeah. I just don't want to fail. I have to get through this, but I don't know if sacrificing my mental health is exactly worth it. I don't know. And I know I can't explain any of this to my mother because she literally will not understand. She will be angry, she will be disappointed in me. It's becoming more and more apparent that she doesn't understand me. I mean, she's never quite understood me but with my overwhelming queerness and trying to embrace my faith, I feel like I'm estranging myself from her, she who was once my idol. And it makes me sad.. but I'm letting myself be angry. I don't know if I'm in the wrong, I don't know if she's really abusive, but I think I need to at least try to do what I think and feel is right. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I can apologize, I can regret. But I'm tired of half-assing my "rebellion", of half-assing my compliancy [idgaf if that's spelled right]. I need to put my full heart into my own life, just this once. And if that means cracking a few eggs to make an omelette, so be it I guess.