aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)

 I feel like I have fallen into hell and I don't know how to be anymore. I don't know how to be me, because I don't know who I am. This isn't normal. Girls don't look at their genitals and feel disgusted, not like this. They can not like the way it looks but they aren't upset by them like this. I shouldn't be so grossed out at the idea of having a vagina, having this pudgy stuff. If I saw it on another girl I'd probably think it was cute. But I don't know if I'm a girl anymore. I don't think I am. But I don't know if I am a boy either... yet... I'm so scared that if I did something to change to my gender, to make permanent changes, that I wouldn't be happy. That I'd miss having a hole, that I'd miss breasts. But as of late I don't think that's the case. And that scares me so bad. I don't want to be this. I can't even bring myself to type the word. It doesn't make sense. I take the tests and all the good ones say I'm still a girl, that my brain is female. I mean, I get I'm literate, that I'm not really good with my hands, but am I really a girl? I don't know anymore. It won't make sense to my family, it won't make sense to my peers. Yet there's things I don't think I want to give up. I don't want to give up my singing voice, my silly voice, my curves. I like some of them. I don't want facial hair, I don't want worse acne, I don't want any of that. I don't even know how I feel about a bigger clit. Although the idea is starting to sound better and better as of late.. I just don't know if I want a trans man's genitals, but I am bonding with my strap on more. I feel more comfortable with it. Phantom sensations are coming easier.

I don't know if I like who I am, if it's not who I think I am. I feel so lost in my own world. And the only person who can help me figure it out, is me. In the long run anyways. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You can even salt the oats, but you can only do so much, you know? I feel like Spirit and a few others are trying to tell me this is what I am, but I'm not sure. I know Spirit is. I don't think it matters to Jor, except with the emotional distress it's causing. I just don't want to be this. It's bad enough thinking I'm genderfluid but this? This is a special form of hell. I can't be a mermaid and a man. I can't be a dress lover and a man, I can't be someone who wears skirts. I can't expect to be taken seriously by this world. I feel like I'm damned to be a freak. Polytheist, bisexual, and possibly that. I sound like I'm trying to be special but I'm not goddamnit. I just don't want to live this. 

aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)

 Happy Father's Day Loki. I hope you're proud of your children, you are loved by so many of them.

Happy Father's Day J. I'm so glad to be carrying your baby. You're already such a great father to our little star, I look forward to raising another daughter with you. It will be nothing but a delight.

Happy Father's Day Father. I know we don't talk much, but I am glad you are in my life, your hand subtly working to improve me as a person. I love you.

I love all of you. Thank you for filling the void left by the shortcomings of my bio-father. Thank you for reminding me that I am loved, and that there can be love.

aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)

 So it looks like I have another baby on the way. I don't know what to do. I can't help but feel like this is some sort of sick punishment for having vanilla sex. Seriously, this is how we conceived Penelope, was vanilla sex, and me falling asleep while travelling. Same damn thing. I haven't told J yet. I have already had two readings done and asked Mother and Spirit if I'm knocked up and they said yes so it appears to be canon. It's ironic because it was only a couple of days ago, either then or a week I was talking with E and she joked about us being pregnant at the same time. Well, she got her wish. If my reading is correct I am going to end up with another little girl.

Instead of making things on my own I think I am going to ask J if I can move in with him. Then we can work on things together. I'll have to split myself again obviously. It's just not safe for me to be on my own with a baby. With Penny in the labyrinth with E and her grandpa, she's safe. But.. I don't have another choice. I can't move in with them, the area's too small for me. I'm a hunter, I need space or I'll get cramped. Wherever J is, I am sure it is safe. I just don't think I have the time and energy to be modifying my house, not in the middle of school. I feel like I am capable of it, but won't be able to live up to my standards of motherhood. I already feel bad I didn't spoil Penny the way E does; with E she has her own ocean-room and greenhouse and interacts with other people. With me... well, she was raised a pretty mortal childhood. You know, except for the times I spazzed and shifted or there was any sort of danger. Then I scared her.

If I'm being honest with myself, I want this baby. I wanted another one. E's on her third one, and I feel cheated out of motherhood with Penny being gone for so long. I think another child could be good for me. But how will J take it? Will it be good for us? What's good for the goose isn't always good for the gander. I hope he isn't busy. He doesn't seem that bad, we've been able to meet up 2-3 times a week, certainly more than in the beginning of our relationship.  But how will he take it knowing he impregnated me accidentally again.... that could be bruising to the ego of a god. Sigh. Not like he has much ego to work with anyways.

I just hope it all works out for the better. Keep me in your prayers guys. I'm gonna need them.

hash.

May. 30th, 2014 02:55 pm
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)

 With her, I run with lions. I run with wolves. I run with The Coyote and balls of fire. But I do not know who I am. I don't know what I am. I am a mermaid yes, but that only gets you so far. I don't even think I'm one of the sea anymore. She is more sea than I am. All I can think I am is a little ball of light. I can fight but I am not a warrior. I have no identity, other than being his bride. And that makes me so sad.

I want to figure out who I am. What I am supposed to be. I am getting stronger, I am being braver. School is tearing me to pieces, in its own twisted way it's helping. But it's upsetting to know I'm not even a true mermaid. My own parents can't seem to explain what I am, other than an anomaly of their union. They are not of the sea, even though he may have died that way. Am I like J? Is the sea my home, is my heart there, but I'm not a sea entity?

I want to develop my practice, I want to develop my faith and craft but I have been told repeatedly I have to work on myself. I want to explore, I want to adventure, I want to taste something new. But I can't. Shadow work and school chain me. I hate that damn school. Not quite... I hate how it exhausts me. I hate how I have to nap all the time, how I am under constant persistent stress. I hate how I think of cutting only on the weekdays. I hate that I'm not even halfway through yet. I hate how my mother has the audacity to compare my suffering to her. Fuck my mother. Right now she is not good to me, not good to my heart. Fuck my sister, for being a rude little brat. For being ignorant and arrogant and a raging bitch. Fuck them all, for wondering why I retreat into wonderland, for skyping all day. I just want to breathe. I want to live and explore and it's all I've wanted all these years. They say people who think of suicide crave desperate change. Radical transformation. And they're not wrong anymore. I never really wanted an end. I wanted a beginning. And I'm in the process of carving mine out right now.

deadly.

May. 9th, 2014 05:14 pm
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)

Trying to breathe without my lungs, trying to live without blood... it's hard. It's only one day, one day without him, without our connection, and I feel like my heart is withering away. I feel like I'm underwater and I'm perfectly human. If I breathe in, the void will be filled with something different, something that's not supposed to be there. All she is doing is chattering about her love, her child. My child is gone, my love is away, he can't even keep our connection because of his guilt.. I can't help but be angry, I want her to shut up. And I can't say I've never felt that before. I just feel awful and hollow and the last thing I want to hear about is how happy and mushy she is with them. My baby is gone. I miss her. I'm starving. I can't even work on the missions, I can't make progress to see her sooner, to see him. I am so lonely. It's only a day, but it's a bad one. Tomorrow I may be alive, I am sure I will be Sunday. But right now I am suffering, and I want someone to comfort me, because nothing else is helping. Listen to me, damn it. I'm quiet but I'm screaming. Listen. 

I feel lost, strange in my own skin. I'm not used to that. Everything feels dry and rough, maybe hard, when I'm so used to fluid. Mermaids were never meant for dry land, even if they're half-human. I want to go back.

aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)

 Life.. has been crazy. Not insanely crazy, but crazy nevertheless if that makes sense. I am going through a rebirth period, I'm just at the beginning though. I've received some rather groundbreaking news, regarding astral shit. I don't even know if I want to share it here, I'll just end up bleeding it out and angsting, and even if that may be good for me, I'd just rather not right now.

I haven't meant to abandon dreamwidth. It just hasn't been a priority. My birthday came, E's birthday came, I've been dealing with motherhood and school and witchery, I tend to spend my free time on tumblr by default.

I don't feel very talkative right now. Shit. Sorry dreamwidth.

blast.

Mar. 12th, 2014 08:11 pm
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)
 I feel like a bird trying to fly with a broken wing. I am having such a hard time in school, trying to just be and exist and do well. I'm not putting my all in because if I do that my mental health with suffer more, and I nearly relapsed today. I am seriously considering getting a medical marijuana card so I can just smoke out all my issues. When I smoked over the weekend I felt.. free, just for a while. And it really benefitted me mentally. It's better for me than alcohol, which I've been drinking more and more of. I'm trying to be aware of it though, not let it be a problem. Alcoholism is prominent on both sides of my family for the past few generations, so yeah. I just don't want to fail. I have to get through this, but I don't know if sacrificing my mental health is exactly worth it. I don't know. And I know I can't explain any of this to my mother because she literally will not understand. She will be angry, she will be disappointed in me. It's becoming more and more apparent that she doesn't understand me. I mean, she's never quite understood me but with my overwhelming queerness and trying to embrace my faith, I feel like I'm estranging myself from her, she who was once my idol. And it makes me sad.. but I'm letting myself be angry. I don't know if I'm in the wrong, I don't know if she's really abusive, but I think I need to at least try to do what I think and feel is right. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I can apologize, I can regret. But I'm tired of half-assing my "rebellion", of half-assing my compliancy [idgaf if that's spelled right].  I need to put my full heart into my own life, just this once. And if that means cracking a few eggs to make an omelette, so be it I guess.

black.

Mar. 10th, 2014 08:05 pm
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)
 I need to write on here so bad, but I don't have the time or ambition. That'll need to change. I'll be back soon, dreamwidth. I think that writing this will make me feel like I wrote a promise, so I'll actually do it.
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)

 Exhausted. That's a good word to describe me as of late.

Penelope is growing faster, much to my dismay. She walked for the first time today, not that I saw. Her grandfather ended up telling me [how he knew I know not, assuming he told the truth] and that just makes me feel swell. Having a child Over There is goddamned heartbreaking. At least it feels like it for me. I can't hold her, I can't spend enough time with her, I don't even know if I see her right, compared to everyone else. I sometimes wonder if I should have kept her, I feel like I have no business being a mother.

Heavy woo has been swooping in, dental school is brutal. My entity parents are coming into my life, and I don't know how or why, nor how to deal with it. I'm not spending nearly enough time with J, my 3 day weekends feel like half the time, and I had a breakdown today. My birthday is Saturday, I will turn 20. I won't be a child, a teen anymore by a numerical standard. It feels symbolic with all of the shit being thrown at me. Things aren't all bad though. Things with E are well. I formalized my relationship with Loki [a bittersweet thing], I reconciled with someone whom I now consider friend again.

I had said on this blog repeatedly, that harder times were coming, that I needed to cherish my rest. I didn't cherish it enough. The rough times -along with my rebirth- are coming. Sigh.

aravelle: (love)
 I'm starting to feel like there's less and less of me under my skin, and more of him. It makes this skin feel useless, I want to unleash his radiance, it is too great in me, I don't understand how I'm worthy, why he chose me, why he held out for centuries for me. I don't understand, but I love him, he feel like heroin, he feels the core of fire and the deepest of ocean waters. How am I supposed to act and pretend to be normal, how am I supposed to live with this blessing under my skin?
aravelle: (love)

 I miss him. This sucks so much. It has been barely 2 days and I feel like I'm going to wither away. I just can't get enough of him, I kiss him and kiss him and kiss him and wrap our energies together like serpents intertwined but it isn't enough. And I don't think it ever will be.  That's what I get for admitting I was in love with him. That I have been all along.

aravelle: Ariel and Prince Eric kissing. (kissing)

 When you have a boy, a man, whose willing to fight for you, who always has even when you didn't know it, and you feel the need to return it and you don't know now. It's bad enough Father Forest doesn't like him. If Father Forest hurts him, I will... I will be more than an angry girl. I will be a woman enraged, a wraith from the waters deep, a serpent with venom ready. I love them both, but he can't hurt him, he can't touch him. If he must, it better be for a good goddamned reason, and not because he impregnated me.

Speaking of impregnating, J and I kind of worked together to split me in two, so I can bi-locate now. Well, it is kind of like bi-locating, because a part of me is always there. It's much nicer having part of there to watch the baby, then to have some dumb nanny. I like how he did that instead of making a temporary fetch. I still need to work on Penelope's. I already have certain things decided; how she will be a horse but not, she'll be carnivorous and ruthless, but gentle to our family and allies. She will have a strong intuition and be strangely beautiful and arguably terrifying. But she'll love little Penny, she'll love her with a fury but won't be clingy or have it be an unhealthy love. She's just loyal. It was funny, as I started laying the blueprints for her, I felt tinges of her, along with Penelope, I felt them the same. They're going to be best buddies, I bet, like Hercules and Pegasus.

The baby herself is quiet, quiet for a baby. She is very observant, very intelligent and alert. I remember when she was born, I didn't hear her cry immediately and I was frantic. But J handled me with such grace, he stayed so calm, cool as a cucumber, and re-assured me that she was alive. Her being a breach birth didn't help, nor was me holding her in as long as I did. It probably wasn't very good for the either of us, in retrospect. I was just stubborn. At least her birth didn't hurt.

 

aravelle: (baby)
 So, around midnight on February 13th, Penelope Iris was born. I may post more details when I'm not so exhausted, or better yet, you can ust ask me questions via comments and save me the breath. X-X

crevice.

Feb. 12th, 2014 07:47 pm
aravelle: (baby)
 ..I sang along to Heyayaya and the Muppets Habanero song. Never has Baby been so confused.
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)

 Welp, it looks like J and Father will never get along. Ever. That's really fun. And even more fun is I'm like 80% sure he's Native American and if I ever want to be open people are going to be like "CULTURAL APPROPRIATIONZZ!1!"

Woo. Father's going to be funfun. E doesn't seem to like him, J is afraid of him, and I am probably going to have to keep him secret. But.. if he's my father, he'll probably be worth it. I already resonate with a part of him, sense some of me that mirrors him. Sigh.

apple.

Feb. 10th, 2014 11:23 pm
aravelle: (family)
 I take my breaks at school in the bathroom, so I can sing her lullabies. I am doing my best to try not to bed, yell, or swear while I have in me, just because I don't know how it'll affect her. J confirmed she is indeed a she. I ate another horse, provided by J, this time a palomino mare. I honestly don't know if I've ever felt so invigorated, like I've had so much energy. I'm left to wonder if I'm a pychic vampire; I have very vampiric qualities Over There. I just.. I haven't had this kind of energy since I was a kid, I'm always tired, I am taking multiple vitamins a day and am rather sure I am absorbing them. For the most part, I'm a pretty healthy person, I've had so many different tests done [thanks to mom's stellar medical insurance], I'm starting to feel the only logical explanation is my being a vamp. I'm having to feed more and more as of late, not regarding Over There so much as I am in this body. I'm grazing the surface of the energy in rooms, skimming it for the good stuff. I'm taking in the energetic aroma of animals, my pets and others. I hesitate to say it's becoming a problem, but I think I am a lot better off when I feed. I wish E lived close by, she has plenty of energy, even if it isn't totally clean..

valleys.

Feb. 9th, 2014 11:25 pm
aravelle: (baby)

 youtube.com/watch

 

Her lullaby, as far as I'm concerned. Annabelle's Wish is very her, from what I can tell.

 I cleansed the body of the fetch, and made her another outfit and toy Over There. It's all I had energy to do. I'm exhausted. I really hope I'm not a bad mother. She deserves nothing but the best.

aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)

 You know, this baby better be cute because I had to kill a fucking pony for it, and I still feel bad for taking an innocent life even though it was actually delicious.  :I It couldn't even defend itself, but the deer wasn't cutting it, it lacked something Baby needed. I apologized to that horse, even if it didn't understand what I was saying. I tried to keep the pain as minimal as possible, and for once, I did not eat its heart. There is no sport, no trophy to be won for taking a lamb to the slaughter. He was so big and beautiful too, easily 7 and a half feet tall.. I wonder if he was some kind of super horse. He didn't seem to be smarter, nor did he have the ability to talk. Sigh. At least Baby's sated. Earlier after I ate, she gave off the energetic equivalent of purring, it was preeeetty precious.

Thank god I got another vial of astral oil earlier. Mom was clearly annoyed I wanted to go to the shop, but I begged her, telling her that it was basically an emergency. I don't want to use too much mugwort before she's born, it just doesn't feel right, whereas the oil slips me Over There in no time. It's cheap shit too, 5 bucks for a few ounces, and it takes only a 4-6 drops to work its magic.

I need to start "shopping" for things to use for the fetch. I may use cat's claws and chinchilla hair. I have chameleon skin, I think that will prove very valuable. I am contemplating using some of my parrot's feathers, but I'm not sure for what qualities other than loudness . I will probably use dog hair for loyalty, even though I don't think of either one of my mongrels as particularly loyal. xD Wait... I think I have a fossilized shark tooth. YAAS BROTHAH YAAAS THIS SHALL BE EASIER THAN I THOUGHT. *does a little dance*

chemical.

Feb. 9th, 2014 12:30 am
aravelle: (baby)

 You know, I thought that maybe the baby would have to be bottle fed, not its mother. Damn me and my blood cravings, I'm a true blue Bella Fucking Swan over here. Good thing J brought me those mason jars..

I think the baby is a girl. We haven't decided on names, but we're leaning more towards french ones like Nicole and Charlotte, since that is what he likes and I think they're pretty too. I was contemplating Aislinn, but I think the baby's fetch may be named that instead.

I don't want to sound too Twilightey, but I can feel the baby's personality already, its aura. It's lilac and twilight-oceany blue, it sparkles and is terribly intelligent. She's gonna be an Aquarius after all, it doesn't help J and I are such hardcore thinkers as it is. She's going to be the most inquisitive little squirt there is. o.o

When I went Over There today, I looked a good 5 months pregnant. I hope the baby can wait a good 3-4 days, I want to be able make the fetch before I give birth.

I think I talked to her, too. She heard me crying last night, apologizing to her that I may not be able to provide very well and that I felt alone, and she told me that she loved me and that it was okay. It was both heart warming and heart breaking, ever how woo it is. I love her so much already. [I may use she and it interchangably, but I'm rather sure it's a girl.]
aravelle: A picture of a lamia bathing by a window, in a wooden tub. (Default)

 Of course I can't find my astral travel oil once I get knocked up... looks like I'll be making a stop to Dragonmarsh for another.. because going without right now is not an option, and I'm too scared to regularly use mugwort, mom tries to throw it away as it is and I'm super scatter brained today and I already used it on Thursday.. and we're in a drought so I really shouldn't be taking a bath to travel... ugh.

At least I've got the basic blueprints for making the fetch. Now, to think about what traits I want.. best consult J though, of course. He knows I want to make one for Baby and thinks it's a wonderful idea.

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